Saturday, May 26, 2007

WRITER -- Writer as Item.

WRITEM - a new phrase which describes the marketing of a 'writer' as an 'item'. Hence:

UBIQUITOUSLY, HERTZAN CHIMERA
A new range of innovative mischief from the creator of the WRITEM marketing company.

Hertzan Chimera Petroleum Jelly
The best way to ask for Petroleum Jelly is to sing out Hertzan Chimera. Made from select goose grease, morons, slow-aged for perfect smoothness, Hertzan Chimera is the nation's number-one choice in Petroleum Jelly.
Made in Oxford, UK.

Hertzan Chimera Instant Breakfast
Instant Hertzan Chimera has all the fresh flavour of just-cooked breakfast. Your husband will say, Christ, Janie, I used to think your breakfast was only so-so. But now, wow!
Safe when taken as directed.

Hertzan Chimera Bowel Cleaner
Can't make the auditions, Janie; bowels all jammed up? I'll fix you, Hertzan Chimera! Hertzan Chimera drops you back in the thick of things fast. Taken as directed, Hertzan Chimera speeds relief to your bowels. Remember: Hertzan Chimera is only seconds away.
Avoid prolonged abuse.

Hertzan Chimera Spray-on Condoms
Perk up pouting household encounters with new miracle Hertzan Chimera, the easy-to-apply, extra-shiny, non-stick plastic coating. Saves endless unrolling and nail rippage, glides you right into the sweetspot.
Entirely harmless if used as directed.

Hertzan Chimera Meditation
Taken as directed, Hertzan Chimera provides uninterrupted nirvana without morning-after drooling. You are refreshed, ready to tackle all those little annoying problems facing you.
Do not exceed recommended dosage.

Hertzan Chimera Melons
Has a meat diet taken you out of the swim? Ten-day Hertzan Chimera zingy spray or Hertzan Chimera fruity roll-on ends worry of offending the Vegan, brings you back where the happening is.
Safe when used as directed in a conscientious program of political correctness.

Hertzan Chimera Career Treats
Pop tasty Hertzan Chimera into your briefcase, made only from fresh prospects and healthful all-consuming optimism. Hertzan Chimera makes careers a feast, puts zing into your thing!
Safe when interviewed as directed.

Lots more to come!
Future Hertzan Chimera products include:
Hertzan Chimera Electric Cat Whiskers
Hertzan Chimera Salad Greens (Look out, Wendy, you renegade!)
Hertzan Chimera Disposable Life (Faster than death's bowling arm)
Hertzan Chimera Savings & Loan Service
Hertzan Chimera Scalp Switcher
Hertzan Chimera Novels and Collections ***
Hertzan Chimera Feminine Underarmaments
Hertzan Chimera Breathing Minds
Hertzan Chimera Toilet Wrapper

*** Hertzan Chimera cannot be held legally responsible for any inflammatory reaction to these or other products or services.

You know, there are simply not enough hours in a day to engage all the "new" writers and sponsor them through their terrible books as their "talents" grow. Think of the mass-market book reader - they wanna be romanced with Guinness adverts and tantalised by abstract perfume adverts that give them nothing but a taste of the forbidden or a whiff of the outrageous - you bring out a bad book, you are dead. No one will waste money on you ever again.

This realisation lead me to this crazy marketing idea - instead of trying to be very earnest about one's "work" as a "writer" and trying to conscientiously promote it in the standard format with glowing cover quotes and a massive marketing budget it would be more 'fun' to invent a persona that grabbed the imagination, no matter how surreal or irrelevant to the content of one's books. Ubiquitously, Hertzan Chimera took inspiration from something I read in my teens that only now seems relevant somehow and flavour it to my own ends. A novel by Philip K Dick called UBIK.

In terms of marketing a writer, a crazy idea like this based on something so out-there says more than a selected chapter of some collection or book or interview about the writer and beyond that it enigma-ises and abstractifies the creator to a product - aren't we all but products in a marketplace to be sold to the highest bidder, after all. The idea is to move beyond the user of a keyboard, the printer of words on a page. That concept helped, not hindered this descent into the abstractification that the writer himself can become a family name without anybody ever having to read anything he writes.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

research grant for the opposite of physics

...look physics goes backwards. Physics has been looking in the wrong direction for CENTURIES. And it's not even just me being Devil's Advocate (for a change).

There's no way an atom can have the power it has.
There's no way a big bang produced all the content of the universe.
There's no way a gravity particle exists within an atom.

It's glaringly obvious. Physics works at the macroscopic, not microscopic, scale. Atoms and molecules and life (and the contents of my brain, my fingers and hence these very-educational blog entries). Universal Equillibrium is a term I coined nearly twenty years ago to describe how the galactic structures form suns form atoms form em-radiation...

Atoms are a mere reflection of this U.E. process.
The content of the universe is a reflection of this U.E. process.
Gravity is a reflection of this U.E. process.

And actually, it gets more interesting than that by turning physics around... Matter (as we see it) becomes a BARRIER TO THE INFLUENCE OF UNIVERSAL EQUILLIBRIUM. A retrograde bi-product that STOPS the universe from constantly falling in on itself at 'c'. Where's my physics research grant so that I can further the knowledge of mankind in pursuit of this spurious theology?

bah!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Japanese Online - great site, and a clock.



yeah, yeah, yeah ... I'm such a massive Japanese suck-up (and no-one like a suck-up) but I have to get back into my Japanese studies and to help me, I've joined Japanese Online. There are a load of basic-to-medium level exercises and a forum to meet other Japanese students and penpals to help me get back into the learning mindset. Yeah, and I'm probably the oldest Japanese student on there - so what.

:)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

it's rude to point



...it's a life-size plaster polymer piece completed in 2006 by artist Jamie McCartney, who says it was, "...commissioned by London's newly opened Amora - The Academy of Sex and Relationships and (was) winner of the Erotic Signature international sculpture prize. Made up of 84 casts, taken from real people, of genitals and breasts arranged in pairs, it dramatically presents our variety, our differences and our similarities. Most of us have only seen our own like this but here we can stare in wonder and without embarrassment at 18 vaginas in their hidden and exposed states and 18 penises in their resting and erect states. Larger than the sum of its parts, this is a compelling piece which straddles the fence between art and pornography and asks you if it is both, either or neither."

It's a valid art work (agreed) but getting into the Amora Academy to see it is a bit pricy (at £15 or $30 equivalent). This blogger won't be rushing to see the piece, as it were, in the flesh any time soon.

Good job, though.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Pininfarina Birdcage

...yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... Philbin, you're sooooooo anti-car. Maybe I'm just anti-car-industry because of the disgusting way it scraped its feet in the 80's about electric car / solar panel technology, basically buying out then boycotting any and all research into 'alternative car powering' in favour of good-ole oil - well, until it was all too late and we're living on a poisoned lump of lava in the middle of cold-space.

As a kid, I wanted to be a car designer like Pininfarina or Giugaro, then I found out you had to go to Engineering College and nearly died of boredom at the tedious prospect.



Simply put, if this concept car below, basically a reskinned Maserati MC12, came in a decent solar-powered/alternative-fuel-sourced variety, I'd be first in line to pick one up. Imagine the thrill... Pininfarina styling, eco-friendly and virtually silent.


for those who can't wait or don't care until they eco-ify the drive system, just listen to how angry 900 bhp sounds!!!

Friday, May 04, 2007

CERN LHC - first pictures

...mark this date in your scientific diaries, dear blog reader, Tuesday 13 November 2007. LHC stands for Large Hadron Collider. It's the latest CERN experiment and it's gonna cost $10,000,000,000 or so. The aim is to replicate the first few billionths of a second AFTER the Big Bang. I may have been Chicken Licken ribbin' my (more scientific) work colleagues about one aspect of the event but CERN assures us that there may be no harm from any spontaneous, short-lived small black holes that might occur within the collider's core.

I mean, come on.

The arrogance of science.

Look, it's real simple, no driver of a car need know how the internal combustion engine works, nor the algorhythm for his traction control or the electrical blueprint of his aircon. All science is speculation and conjecture, it shouldn't even be called Science - it should be called Usage, just 'cos it can make polymers and magnetically push 'protons' around a circular tube doesn't mean it knows what it's doing. Science should just get on with the job of driving nicely and leave the conjecture to the dreamers, in case there's an accident.

"Daddy, if I prod this grizzly bear with this stick is it okay?"

Plus, imagine how many lives $10,000,000,000 or so could have saved. What science always forgets to state is there's no real evidence of anything called a Black Hole, with an event horizon. There's no real evidence of anything called The Big Bang and the creation of our universe. Of course in the desperation of the Evidential System, it seems easy to find 'substantiating evidence' for any old crackpot theory, gravitational lensing and background radiation respectively. I'm not saying science has its eyes closed to reality, but it is gambling a hell of a lot of human resources on this circuitous roll of the LHC dice.

Look, I'll put it this way for the non-scientist (liberated philosophers) among us bloggers. And I'll continue my car analogy, here's the effect of passing so much generated e through the mc² machine.


scientific note: these artificial particles were made from car parts - some of those cars may have, at one time, gone very fast.


Do you understand what I'm saying here? Garbage in, garbage out.

Novelspot interviews Mike Philbin:

...my most prestigious author interview to date. Novelspot Talks To... Mike Philbin. At the reins, Ilona Hegedus - I like this bit:

Ilona: What are your main influences as an author?

Mike: Writers are like training shoes. They're all made in the same factory in India. Same glue. Same thread. Same patterns. Why do we spend more of our time reading one writer than another? Marketing, pure and simple. We are told what to read by those who (currently) have control of the mass media. It is a real (not imagined) conspiracy against creative freedom. As a creative writer I am influenced by the apathy of the world, my influences come at me from all angles like arrows.


:)

AS PROMISED IN APRIL: Novelspot's companion interview about Chimericana Books has just gone online right now! Here's the customary quote:

Quality, style, interpretation, unique narrative vision or subversive tracts wilt in the flames of insignificance. Whatever that means.

:)

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Vincent Lavendar, republished @ Midnight In Hell

...first published in Creation Press's RED STAINS anthology. "Vincent Lavendar" has been on my free fiction section for the last couple of years until Midnight In Hell expressed an interest in hosting it. I said, why not. They said, cool.

Here is the story "Vincent Lavendar" on Midnight In Hell - enjoy. There's a CONTENT ADVISORY warning for those of a weak disposition, before getting to the story. Understandably, 'cos this one's EVIL.

:)

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Dead Paris Hilton

...this one's a follow-up to my pro-life-britney-spears-nude blog of last year. Again, this was a report about controversial artist/sculptor Daniel Edwards. The content below came from a link suggested by my mate Pete.

* * * *

I THOUGHT nothing could shock me when it came to Paris Hilton - but an American artist has managed it.

New Yorker Daniel Edwards has made a sculpture called 'Paris Hilton Autopsy' which shows the heiress dead with her legs spread.

The star is naked wearing a tiara and clutching a mobile phone. Pet Chihuahua Tinkerbell is shown resting its front paws on her breasts.

The sculpture also has an open abdominal cavity with removable life-size internal organ, which visitors to the exhibition may take out if they put on a pair of gloves.

The artwork - which will be unveiled on May 11 in New York - is aimed at stopping young women drinking and driving, of which Paris has previously been found guilty.

Although I think the real aim may simply be to shock, especially since Daniel's previous sculptures include Britney Spears giving birth on all fours and 'Suri's Bronzed Baby Poop'.