Thursday, December 16, 2010

like a cretinous dog turd paddling down a grotesquely hi-tech sewer of the mind - film review

here's the formula (it seems) for ANY franchised Hollywood action sequels:

Beardy plumbing guy + whorey housewife = cumm shot on the face.

No, sorry, porn films, that's the plot to porn films ... AND contemporary Hollywood action sequels, especially those films raping the classic comic books' noble heritage.

Hollywood, you total and utter fuck up! How could you SO RUIN an amazing project like Iron Man? You know, the original script? It's only about SEVENTEEN MILLION TIMES better than that scrappy directionless unsexy 'cretinous dog turd paddling down a grotesquely hi-tech sewer of the mind'.

I'm thinking SPECIFICALLY of the 'cretinous dog turd paddling down a grotesquely hi-tech sewer of the mind' you'll all know as IRON MAN 2 but I could have been thinking of the SpiderMan sequels or TransFormers sequels or WatchMen or SinCity or GodJustKeepNamingTheFranchisedTripe.

Sorry guys, sorry technical wizards of 3D, sorry for all your craftsmanlike artistic skills WASTED on 'blockbuster' pile of shit after 'blockbuster' pile of shit like this delivered, every festive season it seems, to acquiesce the Gods, under the guise of 'entertainment for the dumbed-down masses' by the Global Mind Control Grid.

I mean, Iron Man 2 was just rubbish. It wasn't even funny. So, Stark's an arrogant asshole. Yeah, we all get that. But he was no longer 'funny' with it. You know, dimensionality? It can't be hard to re-EMPLOY THE SAME STAND-UP COMEDIAN who did a very successful pass on the Iron Man script to inject SOME PERSONALITY into what would have otherwise been nothing more than the shameful crime of video-game-slaughter 'film-making' by numbers.

In fact, IRON MAN 2 was neither sexy nor funny - oh, like most porn films - er, apart from the funny, sexy ones ... and ... and, it'd had a HEART by-pass.


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